WOODY WEDNESDAY  Ranking Woody Allen’s 47 movies!!!! Part 1

____________

Ranking Woody Allen’s 47 movies!!!! Part 1

The Best & The Rest: Every Woody Allen Film Ranked

This week, Woody Allen‘s 2016 title (for as we all know, there’s one each year), “Cafe Society,” starring Kristen Stewart, Jesse Eisenberg, Steve Carell, Corey Stoll, Blake Lively and Anna Camp, opens after a warm reception as the opening film at the most recent Cannes Film Festival. You can read our take from Cannes here, or hang on to scroll through and see where it lands on the list below, but we thought this would be a good time to gussy up our previous sprawling two-part Allen retrospective, and because we’ve been a little harmonious around here of late and miss the sounds of sobbing and breaking crockery, to rank it.

READ MORE: The Best And The Rest: Every Stanley Kubrick Ranked

Weathering personal scandal and coming in and out of fashion like flares, Allen’s been at constant work as a director for five decades now, and “Cafe Society” marks his 47th theatrically-released feature. Which means we have a lot to get through, so let’s get straight to it, shall we? Here, ranked worst to best, are all of Woody Allen’s theatrical features —with any list this long, there’s bound to be massive disagreement, so remember, the comments section awaits your ire. Or your congratulations, on the slim chance you agree with all of it.

Irrational Man Official Trailer #1 (2015) – Emma Stone, Joaquin Phoenix Movie HD

anything-else-woody-allen47. “Anything Else” (2003)
There are a lot of things wrong with “Anything Else.” Jason Biggs halts his speech more than Jerry Stiller after root canal surgery and often looks blankly off-camera like he’s after a batch of pastries to hump. His girlfriend, played by Christina Ricci, seemingly cast to type as a pathological neurotic with body dysmorphia and an “offbeat sexual quality,” is largely awful too. Only Stockard Channing‘s Paula —an outrageously volatile former interior designer desperate for Biggs to write her new “nightclub act”— can inject this leaden affair with any life. A couple of one-liners fly by (“I should have known something was wrong on the wedding night when her family danced around my table chanting, ‘We will make him one of us!’”), but Allen miscasts himself as reckless, apocalyptic grouch who drops in for random rants about rampant anti-Semitism and the meaninglessness of our daily existence and who is prone to increasing acts of violence. The film’s unrelenting and mirthless post-911 anhedonia is oddly car-crash compelling, but just because it’s one of Allen’s angriest films doesn’t mean it’s any good.

Cassandra_27s-Dream-59478646. “Cassandra’s Dream” (2007)
Certainly the nadir of Woody’s recent “European period” and vying for the title of the worst film of his entire career, “Cassandra’s Dream” is a slow, on-the-nose, plodding, wholly unconvincing crime caper that doesn’t even crack a smile, let alone inspire any laughs. The tale of two brothers (Ewan McGregor and Colin Farrell) who agree to kill a man for their rich uncle (Tom Wilkinson), the movie is clumsily paced and lacks even the most minimal action required for a thriller to actually, you know, thrill. Even with some stellar behind-the-scenes talent (Vilmos Zsigmond shot it and Philip Glassprovided a rare original score) and notable supporting performances (eternally undervalued MVP Sally Hawkins), the movie falls unbelievably flat. It’s not a spoiler to say that in the final scene, a detective describes a double murder that’s central to the plot… and which happens completely off-screen. The film was released in the U.S. at the beginning of 2008, and the only silver lining was that later that same summer, Allen redeemed himself with the much, much better “Vicky Cristina Barcelona.”

the curse of the jade scorpion woody allen45. “The Curse of the Jade Scorpion” (2001)
Every year brings us a new Woody Allen picture, bringing with it either grousing about how the creator of Alvy Singer is tarnishing his cinematic legacy, or that this new film marks a stunning return to form and everything’s going to be okay forever. It’s a pattern critics have slid lazily into at least as far as “The Curse of the Jade Scorpion” 15 years ago. But even with the best will in the world, you can see why: the film’s period setting, slight plot (a magician hypnotizes Woody into becoming a jewel thief against his will) and Allen’s subsequent inability to find funding for his films to be made in America affirm the now-orthodox decline thesis. Allen is pretty terrible in the lead role of C.W Briggs, “a shallow, skirt-chasing egomaniac” and “myopic insurance clerk” displaying not one whit of sexual tension with co-star Helen Hunt, the ‘saucy’ efficiency expert with feminine wiles up the yin-yang. And he was frankly far too old at the time of this film to be hit on by an earthen, breast-exposing Charlize Theron.

Hollywood ending44. “Hollywood Ending” (2002)
When you shoot a movie a year, there’s no level of genius that can keep inspiration consistent every time out. And so you get the occasional “Hollywood Ending,” a remarkably tone-deaf Hollywood satire that’s both too inside-baseball and too overwhelmingly broad. Allen plays a celebrated director well past his prime (hmm…) who gets back into the film business by teaming with his ex-wife in a high-pressure situation that causes him to become psychosomatically blind. Did you guess that the punchline involves him directing the film anyway? “Hollywood Ending” isn’t helped by the fact that Allen is working with one of his least-exceptional casts, giving major screen time to the manic Tea Leoni and the bronzed, oblivious George Hamilton, resulting in a film that wants to take advantage of the lower standards of recent  yuckfests while maintaining a classic Hollywood vibe, but which falls between each.

Related posts:

WOODY WEDNESDAY Woody Allen Videos

Woody Allen – Concerto Parigi 1996 – Wild Man Blues Woody Allen & The Eddy Davis New Orleans Jazz Band I have spent alot of time talking about Woody Allen films on this blog and looking at his worldview. He has a hopeless, meaningless, nihilistic worldview that believes we are going to turn to dust and there […]

“Woody Wednesday” ECCLESIASTES AND WOODY ALLEN’S FILMS: SOLOMON “WOULD GOT ALONG WELL WITH WOODY!” ( MIDNIGHT IN PARIS Paul Gauguin’s 3 questions examined!!!)

______________ Gauguin’s 3 Questions Paul Gauguin, now regarded as a French Post-Impressionist artist, was not received well by his old painter friends while living. And having abandoned his wife and children he had no options or resources for getting by. He never found artistic success, either critically or financially in his lifetime. However, there is […]

WOODY WEDNESDAY Woody Allen CRISIS IN SIX SCENES

______________ Woody Allen CRISIS IN SIX SCENES Crisis in Six Scenes S01E01 CZ titulky Something about television brings out the nostalgist in Woody Allen (well, y’know, even more than usual), and understandably – it’s a medium inextricably tied to his own early days. He got his start as a staff writer for The Colgate Comedy […]

WOODY WEDNESDAY First Look at Woody Allen’s Next Movie ‘Wonder Wheel’ Posted on Tuesday, February 21st, 2017 by Jack Giroux

First Look at Woody Allen’s Next Movie ‘Wonder Wheel’ Posted on Tuesday, February 21st, 2017 by Jack Giroux Another period piece is coming our way from writer-director Woody Allen. We know little about his latest movie, titled Wonder Wheel, which is typical of Allen’s movies. Rarely are character and plot details shared early on. But we […]

WOODY WEDNESDAY The Performance of all Woody Allen movies at the Box Office!!!

_ Woody Allen Bob Hope Tonight Show 1971 Woody Allen Actor Director Writer Date Title (click to view) Studio Lifetime Gross / Theaters Opening / Theaters Rank 7/15/16 Cafe Society LGF $11,103,205 631 $359,289 5 18 7/17/15 Irrational Man SPC $4,030,360 925 $175,312 7 36 7/25/14 Magic in the Moonlight SPC $10,539,326 964 $412,095 17 […]

“WOODY WEDNESDAY” WOODY ALLEN TURNS 81 5 THINGS YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT THE FILM GENIUS

__ The Woody Allen Special [1969] (Guests: Candice Bergen, Billy Graham and the 5th Dimension) Published on Sep 8, 2016 For all the Woody Allen/television fans, here is the rare 1969 CBS special! Featuring the flawless stand-up of Woody, and skits such as: Woody and Candice having to rehearse nude for an artistic play. A […]

WOODY WEDNESDAY Happy Birthday Woody Allen: 15 Quotes By The Maverick Filmmaker

__ Woody Allen The Dean Martin Show Happy Birthday Woody Allen: 15 Quotes By The Maverick Filmmaker News18.com First published: December 1, 2016, 3:30 PM IST | Updated: December 1, 2016 One of the most celebrated filmmakers of Hollywood, Woody Allen turns 81 today. Born and raised in Brooklyn as Allen Konigsberg he is arguably […]

WOODY WEDNESDAY Settling into a hotel bar in Soho after a long day shooting a film for Woody Allen in the Bronx, Justin Timberlake wastes no time ordering the first of several Vesper martinis. “I was terrified all day today, dude,”

___________ Justin Timberlake Talks ‘Trolls,’ Family Life and His New Album With Pharrell Williams Andrew Barker Senior Features Writer@barkerrant TOM MUNRO FOR VARIETY NOVEMBER 1, 2016 | 10:00AM PT Settling into a hotel bar in Soho after a long day shooting a film for Woody Allen in the Bronx, Justin Timberlake wastes no time ordering […]

WOODY WEDNESDAY Woody Allen’s 81st Birthday

_ Woody Allen – standup – ’65 – RARE! Happy 81st Birthday, Woody Allen December 2, 2016 1 Comment Woody Allen turns 81 today. And he shows no signs of slowing down. Allen spent his 80th year being remarkably prolific, even by his own standards. The end of 2015 saw that year’s film, Irrational Man, […]

WOODY WEDNESDAY Everything We Know About Woody Allen’s 2017 Film With Kate Winslet And Justin Timberlake October 16, 2016

  _ Everything We Know About Woody Allen’s 2017 Film With Kate Winslet And Justin Timberlake October 16, 2016 3 Comments Woody Allen has, it seems, wrapped production on his 2017 Film. The new film stars Kate Winlset and Justin Timberlake. And despite some very public days of shooting, We still don’t know that much […]

 

___________

Advertisements
Post a comment or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: