How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
If Jesus Christ came back today and saw what was being done in his name, he’d never stop throwing up.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree’ — probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.
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Good website on Woody Allen quotes on death:
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work… I want to achieve it through not dying.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
It is impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune.
Death is an acquired trait.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
Death should not be seen as the end, but as a very effective way to cut down expenses.
I do not believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
If there is reincarnation, I’d like to come back as Warren Beatty’s fingertips.
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
The Daily Hatch 