A Suffering Relationship

Not only did my relationship with Derek suffer because of my fears, my relationship with my mom suffered too. I was afraid I’d hear, “I told you so,” if I was honest about my insecurity. I hid behind an “everything’s fine” facade. I was determined to make living together work — even if it was a mistake.

My mom’s words haunted me. “You can’t try it on before you buy it; it’s not a dress.” Although I wasn’t walking with God at the time, I knew enough Scripture to feel guilty and ashamed. But I justified it because I wanted to make sure the two of us were compatible before we said “I do.” After all, I knew that more than half of all marriages end in divorce. I didn’t want the “D” tattoo if our relationship didn’t work out.

A month into our lease, Derek and I bought an Alaskan Eskimo puppy. A way to keep Derek, I thought. But weeks later, the shy puppy we picked out was still acting skittish. He started biting. So, we gave him away.

So much for “our” dog — and my security.

Even though I wanted a commitment from Derek, my commitment was conditional and temporary. I gave my body and my resources, but withheld my heart.

I longed for intimacy and relationship, but living together didn’t satisfy. It’s like planning a vacation to Hawaii, envisioning sunny, white beaches and then arriving to trash-lined shores and overcast skies. One is a dream. The other is a disappointing reality.

Despite our struggles, Derek and I eloped around the time our lease expired. Fifteen years and two children later, we’re still together.

Nevertheless, Derek and I still regret living together. We missed out on the honeymoon experience. We regret sharing our meals, our households, and our bodies prior to being emotionally and spiritually committed as husband and wife. We started our marriage with a past. It took me years of marriage to trust Derek’s real and lifelong commitment.

Someday I plan on sharing this with our children. It won’t be easy. However, I believe they deserve the truth. I hope they will understand why we regret our decision and why God’s design for a man and a woman is marriage.